Forever In My Heart
by AndreeaRaducan
Summary: Once again, she had failed. JJ/Will. Angst, tragic. Mature themes. Strong language. Contains graphic content.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Not a long chapter. Just an introduction to a story that won't be longer than 10 chapters max.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Kissing her husband good bye as he made his way out the door, Jennifer Jareau smiled, leaning against the doorframe as her son wrapped himself around her legs.

"I like having you home Mommy," Henry said adoringly, smiling up at his mommy before turning to wave to his daddy as the car pulled out of the driveway and drove off towards the precinct.

"I like being home with you Henry," JJ replied, ruffling his blonde hair as she shut the front door behind them. "What do you want to do today?"

It had been a week since JJ had been to work. But for once, she wasn't going stir crazy.

She was getting more and more excited for the impending arrival of their third child. However, it wasn't without a heavy heart. It had been four long years since she had miscarried their second child while in Afghanistan. It had taken a long time to recover from that, and when she had finally felt ready to try again...she and her husband Will had gotten straight to it.

When unit chief Aaron Hotchner had found out she was pregnant, he had made her take some time off, to actually take care of herself so that she and Will would have a healthy, happy baby.

"Can we make cupcakes today _please_?" Henry asked, grabbing his mother's hands and pulling on them. JJ laughed.

"I think we can manage that," she replied, allowing Henry to pull her into the kitchen. "First we have to go to the doctor's so that the doctor can check the baby"

Henry broke into a wide grin. "Are we gonna see my sister?"

JJ laughed. "You might not get a sister buddy, it might be a brother"

Henry pouted. "I don't wanna share my toys"

Grinning, JJ knelt down, pulling Henry into a tight hug. "It'll all work out, buddy. Let's just see what happens ok?"

Henry nodded, throwing his arms around JJ's neck and kissing her cheek. "I love you Momma"

"I love you too little man," JJ replied adoringly, giving Henry a kiss of her own. "How about you go grab your shoes and we'll go see the doctor?"

Henry nodded excitedly, pulling away and tearing off to find his shoes.

Once they were ready, JJ found the car keys, pulling on her jacket as she took Henry's hand. After setting the alarm and locking up the house, they headed off to the OB/GYN.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Nothing to say except I would strongly advise having some tissues.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Smiling at Henry as she lay back on the gurney, JJ lifted her shirt to reveal the just noticeable bump. The obstetrician, Kerry, tucked a towel into the waistband of JJ's jeans to keep them free of the gel.

Kerry knew JJ well. They had been acquaintances long before JJ met Will, simply from living in the same apartment building. She had been JJ's OB/GYN ever since JJ found out she was pregnant with Henry, and the two had been good friends ever since.

"How does that work?" Henry asked, pointing towards the transducer Kerry was holding in her hand.

Kerry grinned. "Well, I spread some of the jelly onto your mom's tummy. Then I take this special wand and move it around on her tummy. It can take pictures inside, so we can see the baby," she explained.

"Cool!" Henry exclaimed, making Kerry and JJ laugh. Sitting up a little higher on his stool, Henry leant on the edge of the gurney, eagerly awaiting the moment when he would get to see his new brother or sister.

Carefully spreading the gel over JJ's stomach, Kerry placed the wand onto her skin, turning towards the screen as it lit up with the grainy image from beneath JJ's skin.

Moving it around, Kerry tried to find the sweet spot that would tell them everything they needed to know. She moved past what looked like the baby's head, still trying to ascertain what was what in the grainy image.

Remembering that her ultrasounds with Henry had been rather quick, JJ spoke up.

"Everything ok Kerry?" she asked softly.

For a moment, Kerry debated over whether to stall, try to buy more time to see if she could find what she was looking for.

But with a glance over to JJ, she knew she had to be honest.

"JJ, I...I can't find the heartbeat," she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she turned to look at her friend.

The explosion from Afghanistan suddenly rang in JJ's ears. Her blood ran ice cold as she fought back the tears that were threatening to fall.

It felt like the silence in the room was suffocating. Henry was blissfully unaware of the conversation, still in awe of the fact that the screen had a picture of the inside of his mother's tummy.

"No...Kerry, try again," JJ finally choked out, her voice nothing more than a strangled whisper. "You have to try again"

Unable to speak, Kerry obliged, moving the transducer slowly over JJ's skin, praying to every god she knew of that the heartbeat would suddenly greet their ears, that ever important tiny blip that they both so desperately wanted to hear.

When she'd moved it every which way possible, Kerry knew that was it.

Slowly turning back to face JJ, she shook her head sadly as she lifted the wand from JJ's skin.

"JJ, I'm so sorry...it's not there," she breathed, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to show. She knew what JJ had been through. She wished more than anything that there was something she could do.

JJ was completely silent as Kerry wiped the remaining gel from her skin. Her face was pale, but she felt completely numb.

Once again, she had failed.

If Henry knew something was wrong, he wasn't yet showing it. To Kerry, it looked like he hadn't caught on. But JJ knew her son. She could tell he knew something had made his mother sad.

Once JJ had rearranged her clothes, she sat on the edge of the gurney, her knuckles white as she gripped the metal frame beneath her. Her eyes were on the floor; she couldn't even look at Kerry.

"You should have a complete natural miscarriage," Kerry started softly. "Because it hasn't started yet, it should within the next few days. It should take about two weeks to fully complete"

"Ok," JJ breathed, unable to form a sentence.

"JJ...I'm so sorry," Kerry said thickly. She wished she could fully express just how apologetic she was for having had to deliver that news.

"I know," JJ murmured, slowly pulling herself off the table. Reaching over, she took Henry's hand, leading him from the room with not another word spoken between herself and Kerry.

* * *

JJ remained numb, not speaking a single word on the drive home. She silently thanked whatever spiritual being that Henry hadn't asked her any questions. Being nearly seven, Henry was clever enough to understand when his mom was too upset to talk, but sometimes he would still ask questions if he wasn't sure what was going on.

Pulling into the driveway, JJ turned off the ignition. She robotically pulled herself from the car, taking Henry's hand when he bounded up beside her.

It was like she was on autopilot. She locked the car and unlocked the house, disabling the alarm as Henry ran past her into the kitchen, singing his own little song about making cupcakes.

Henry knew his mom was sad, but cupcakes made people happy, didn't they? Cupcakes would fix whatever was wrong.

Locking the door behind her, JJ numbly headed for the stairs, oblivious to Henry's excited rambling as he darted around the kitchen.

"Momma, can we make cupcakes now?" he asked excitedly, running to the archway as JJ walked past it towards the stairs.

"Momma?" he asked again, his voice softer as JJ walked straight past him and disappeared up to the second floor.

Looking on sadly, he let the box with the cupcake mix fall to the floor. "Mommy?"

JJ barely made it across the threshold of hers and Will's bedroom before she collapsed to her knees and finally started to cry.

One hand snaked across her stomach, cradling the small bump that had once held life as the strangled sobs escaped her mouth.

How could this happen again? She'd been so fucking careful. Eating all the right foods, taking the multivitamins, not going out in the field...everything.

Yet something up there truly believed she didn't deserve the happiness of another baby, that instead she deserved the suffering of the loss of two.

Hearing footsteps approaching the bedroom, JJ turned to find Henry standing in the doorway.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" Henry asked quietly, his innocent concern flooding his voice as he closed the gap between himself and his momma.

Kneeling down beside her, he placed one hand on her cheek, his own eyes welling up with tears. "Momma, why are you crying?" he asked tearfully. He was scared. He'd seen his mom cry, but never like this.

"I need you to go and get my phone," JJ sobbed. "Please, Henry, I need you to get my phone"

Henry obliged, getting to his feet and running off to find it. It didn't take him long; it was on the table next to the front door, where his mom and dad always left their phones when they got home.

He returned in less than a minute, placing the phone into JJ's outstretched hand.

"Can you go downstairs and watch some cartoons for me?" JJ managed to ask of her son. When Henry nodded, she thanked her lucky stars that she had been blessed with such a good child.

Before he turned to leave, Henry fell down beside his mom, wrapping his arms around her neck and kissing her cheek, two simple actions which only caused more tears to run down JJ's face.

"I love you Henry," she sobbed, giving him a warm hug to reciprocate the gesture he had offered from his golden heart.

"I love you too Mommy," Henry whispered, before pulling away and leaving to do as his mother asked.

Once she was sure Henry was downstairs, JJ unlocked her phone, still unable to control the sobs that wracked her body. Opening the keypad, she hovered for a moment, unsure if what she wanted to do was the right action.

She had promised after her ordeal the previous year that she wouldn't lie to Will again. She had learned in the previous year that it was ok to be vulnerable.

Right now, she was vulnerable. She needed him.

She dialled Will's mobile, hoping and praying that for once, he would actually pick it up.

"Hey JJ," Will greeted lightly. "The boy behavin'?"

His oblivious greeting only prompted another sob, which was not missed by Will.

"JJ? JJ, what's the matter?" he asked, realising that if JJ was calling him at midday in tears, she was either having a hormonal bout, or something was wrong.

"Will...I need you to come home," JJ sobbed. "I need you here"

"JJ, if this is because the curtains in the bedroom aren't straight-"

"I need you to come home," JJ said again, her voice so thick with tears, so soft and vulnerable, that that was when Will realised.

Something was definitely wrong.

"Please," JJ begged. Hearing the rustle of papers and the thumps of things being thrown into Will's bag, she knew he was coming.

"Ok, JJ, I'm on my way. You hold on, beautiful girl, I'm comin'"

"Hurry"

Her voice was so soft and so broken, Will didn't know if he would make it home before he too had a broken heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So, yeah the tissue warning stands for the next few chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates and apparently while typing this I forgot how to spell, so any mistakes that may be present, please ignore!**

* * *

Bursting through the front door, Will practically threw his phone and keys down on the hallway table, tossing his jacket in the general direction of the coat rack as he headed for the lounge room.

Rounding the corner, he found Henry sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, but not really paying attention to it. He crossed the room in no time, kneeling down in front of his son and taking his hands.

"Are you alright Henry?" he asked gently, his anxiety levels almost hitting the roof as he looked Henry over quickly, looking for any signs of injury or trauma. He had left the station in a flying hurry, his mind formulating all the possibilities; many of them had involved something happening to Henry.

"Momma's still crying," Henry said softly. "She cried when we got home from the doctor and she's still crying"

Will could feel the colour draining from his face as he gave Henry a quick hug. From Henry's simple explanation, he already knew exactly what had happened. JJ had told him that morning that she had an ultrasound scheduled to make sure everything was going ok.

Retreating into the hallway, he stood for a moment, simply looking at the landing above him.

It had happened again. Although, this time it currently looked like there was no cause.

No answers.

Whirling around, Will slammed a clenched fist into the mirror with a cry of despair, sending pieces of broken glass raining down to the floorboards. His knuckles bled, dripping crimson down to join the shards glinting in the sunlight that filtered through the nearby windows.

"Daddy?" Henry called out; he was getting more and more nervous as the day progressed. First his mommy had cried all day, now his daddy was breaking things.

"Stay in there until I tell you it's ok, Henry. There's broken glass," Will replied as calmly as he could possibly manage. When he got Henry's agreement, he slowly turned and headed up the stairs, ignoring the throbbing in his knuckles.

Reaching the landing, he hesitantly approached the master bedroom. He didn't know what kind of state JJ was in; just that it wasn't a good one.

"Jayje?" he called softly from where he was standing just outside the door.

He heard a few rustles and muffled footsteps before JJ appeared in front of him, her eyes red and swollen, tears still leaving heartbreaking tracks down her cheeks.

"Again," she choked out, bringing a hand up to her mouth as a sob escaped with her words. "There's no heartbeat"

Will had no words. He just didn't know what to say. Inside, his heart was torn in two, but on the outside, he needed to be JJ's rock, at least for the time to come.

Wrapping her in his arms, he held her close as she cried a few more tears into his shoulder.

What could they have possibly done to deserve this kind of grief?

Will felt tears of his own well up as the realisation washed over him that their baby was dead, their beautiful baby that they had been so excited to meet. He had been upset and grievous when JJ had told him about the baby they'd lost four years ago. But nothing could have prepared him for the devastation that was slowly setting in.

"Kerry said...I should miscarry naturally," JJ choked out, lifting her face and looking into her husband's eyes. Seeing that his eyes were damp, her eyes welled up once more. Reaching up, she gently wiped away his tears with her thumb.

"I'm with you," Will said softly. "I know you'll try and push me away...but I'll be with you as long as you want me there"

"I know," JJ whispered, turning her head and cuddling in against his chest. Her eyes were sore from crying; she was actually quite thankful that Will had arrived when he did. Now that he was there, she felt comforted enough to calm down a little.

It wasn't going to be easy. Not by far. But as long as they had each other, she knew they would be ok.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: The end of this feels a tad rushed. Be advised, I'm not a doctor and I'm certainly no expert on natural miscarriages. I'm basing this off of a natural miscarriage story I read on a baby health forum, so I know most of it is within the realm of possibility.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

The next few days were not easy. For JJ, it was almost unbearable, simply waiting and not knowing when the miscarriage was going to start. Every moment that passed and it still hadn't, it felt like everything was ok. That fleeting thought that she was still nurturing a life inside her would cross her mind.

Then the spotting had started.

She had had a follow up with Kerry once she'd wrapped her head around what was going on. Kerry had told her that the miscarriage would feel a lot like labour, but that the pain would come on quickly and feel less intense. She'd also warned JJ to expect a lot of blood

Will had taken time off, citing 'personal reasons'. He was close to his colleagues, but right now, this was something he and JJ had to handle privately. If everyone knew, it would make things harder for them. JJ hated being inundated with sympathy; she hated those sad looks people gave her, and she had done ever since Rosaline committed suicide.

JJ, on the other hand, had had to explain to Hotch what was going on. The genuine sympathy in his voice when she'd called him had reduced her to tears once again. The call had at first been difficult, even awkward. But as soon as Hotch had given his condolences, it had become easier. The absolute sincerity in his voice had reassured JJ that he really did care.

They had gently explained to Henry that he was no longer getting a little brother or sister. He had at first been upset, which had been difficult for JJ and Will as they felt he was still a little too young to fully understand what was happening. But afterwards, he had hugged JJ and said it was ok, he could wait a while because then his toys would only be his toys.

Those few days had been both a comfort and absolute hell. The hell of not knowing when, but knowing that something was going to happen. But comfort had been brought in knowing that somehow, they would manage everything that was coming at them.

* * *

Closing the front door behind him, Will turned to spot JJ standing further down the hall, staring at the wall before her with her arms crossed over her chest. She'd been very quiet over the past few days, but Will had made it a point to give her space; he knew her well enough to know that with just a little bit of nudging, she would talk when she was good and ready.

Setting the bag of groceries down beside the hall table, Will slowly approached her, going to stand beside her. As he stopped, he realised what she was looking at.

"I never liked this mirror anyway," JJ said softly, her eyes never leaving the ornate frame that now only contained a few remaining jagged pieces of the broken glass.

Will looked down at his knuckles, where the cuts from punching the mirror had turned into partially healed wounds, surrounded by bruising.

"Yeah. Me neither," he muttered, flexing and clenching his fingers to stretch out the ache in the injured knuckles.

"This is so fucked up," JJ said, moving closer to Will and resting her head on his shoulder. When he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, she shifted again, wrapping her body up against his as they both looked at the shattered remains of their hallway mirror.

Will turned his head, kissing JJ's temple and rubbing her upper arm. "Very fucked up," he echoed. "It's just downright unfair"

"We're gonna be ok right?" JJ asked softly, lifting her head to look at Will.

The weight of the question was there. It was more than just asking if they would be ok dealing with the loss of the baby. It was also asking if they would actually make it. And Will heard it straight away.

Giving JJ a comforting smile, he kissed the tip of her nose, then her forehead.

"We're gonna be fine"

* * *

It was late that night when JJ was woken by a painful contraction in her lower abdomen.

Tears burned her eyes as she realised that this was it. It was actually happening...she was losing her third child. The contractions had probably started earlier, and were only now strong enough to wake her up.

Turning the bedside lamp on, JJ sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. She sat for a moment, one hand loosely draped across the tiny swell of her belly, her head hung and her eyes closed.

"JJ?" came Will's soft voice from the other side of the bed. "What's the matter?"

"It's started," JJ mumbled, fighting to keep her voice even.

Will's heart sank. The last day or so had been as good as they could've hoped for; JJ had smiled, he had felt content, they had felt confident that they could do this.

Now that it was actually happening, he knew that was all going to change.

Pulling herself to her feet, JJ moved to the bathroom, stopping outside the door as a particularly painful contraction started. Clutching her lower abdomen, she gritted her teeth, squeezing her eyes shut as she leant heavily against the doorframe.

Will was quick to be by her side, placing a hand on the small of her back in an effort to show her that he was there for her.

She just as quickly pushed his hand away.

"I'm ok," she mumbled, straightening up as best she could and pulling herself into the bathroom.

"JJ, don't push me away," Will said pleadingly, looking at her through the open door with an expression that showed how concerned he was.

"I'm not, I just...I just want to be alone for a bit. Please," JJ replied. Will complied almost immediately, giving her a look that said '_I'm here if you need me'_, before retreating to sit on his side of the bed.

Closing the bathroom door, JJ didn't know what to do. The first time she had lost their baby, she had had a D&C procedure done after finding out from Matt the terrible news. She hadn't been able to bear the thought of carrying her dead child around, simply waiting for it to pass on its own.

This time, things were different. Will knew. He was there.

But JJ was scared. Scared and angry and hurt and frustrated.

As another contraction ripped through her, JJ grimaced. Kerry had said it wouldn't be as intense, but to JJ, it felt pretty fucking intense.

She managed to hold out on her own in the bathroom for almost twenty minutes, trying to fight back the urge to cry out at the pain she was in, but after that, it was almost unbearable.

Throwing open the bathroom door, she took two steps before falling to her knees and bursting into tears.

"I can't do this," she gasped as Will leapt up from the bed and raced to be by her side. "This is fucking bullshit, I want it out"

"Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" Will asked gently, tipping her chin up so he could see her face.

JJ noticed the tears pooling in his eyes and subsequently felt her heart tear in two. She shook her head, clutching at her stomach and dropping her gaze as she felt another contraction.

"No...no, I can...I think...I don't know if I can do this," she sobbed. "It hurts so bad, Will, as if losing this baby didn't fucking hurt enough already!"

Glancing down, Will noticed the bloodstain beginning to spread over JJ's grey sweatpants.

"JJ, I think you're startin' to bleed," he said softly, taking her hands and helping her up off the floor.

Choking back more tears, JJ staggered back into the bathroom, pulling the clothing off her lower half with shaking hands and sitting down on the toilet.

Throwing the clothing in the direction of the laundry hamper, Will knelt down in front of JJ, taking her hands and looking straight up into her eyes, unafraid to let the tears of his own fall.

"I'm right here. You're not alone. I'll be with you the whole time," he promised, letting go of one of JJ's hands to cup her cheek as she sat in front of him sobbing.

"We're gonna get through this, I _promise _you. I won't let this break us apart," he whispered desperately. Lifting his thumb, he wiped away some of JJ's tears.

"I promise you"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter is substantially more graphic, still has a Kleenex warning.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

It had been a rough night.

JJ had passed a lot of blood for nearly two hours, and she had cried for most of that time about how much it hurt and how she wanted it to be over, which had completely broken Will's heart. The amount of blood had freaked Will out at first, but he remembered that JJ had mentioned Kerry explaining that a lot of blood was normal.

The bleeding and contractions had eased up enough after that for her to pull on fresh clothes and crawl back into bed. She had spent the remainder of the night curled up in Will's arms, drifting between sleeping and crying.

Will knew it was going to be a long day.

* * *

Zipping up Henry's backpack, Will pulled his son into a warm hug, holding him close and kissing his forehead.

JJ was still asleep, but Will had a feeling that she was only going to get worse. They both knew her body had a lot more to pass, and Will wanted to be able to devote his full attention to her if she needed him. He also didn't want Henry to walk in on JJ during a time like this; he was too young and too innocent. He didn't need to see that.

"You're just gonna stay with Aunt Penny for a couple of days, ok? Just until Momma's feelin' better," Will promised.

"Ok Daddy," Henry replied, returning his father's hug.

Pulling apart, Will kept his hands on Henry's shoulders, looking straight into his son's eyes that were so like JJ's.

"Henry, I want you to promise me something," he said softly.

"What?"

"I want you to promise me that you won't tell anyone about the baby. Not even Aunt Penny. Mommy and Daddy will tell people later," Will explained. "Can you keep it a secret for me?"

Henry nodded, hooking his pinky finger around his father's and squeezing. "Pinky promise"

Pulling Henry back into another hug, Will kissed his son's cheek. "I love you Henry"

"I love you too Daddy"

* * *

Having seen Henry off with Penelope Garcia and assuring Garcia that JJ was simply unwell, Will retreated back to the bedroom, where JJ was just starting to stir.

As he got closer to the bed, JJ groaned, clutching her stomach and rolling onto her side.

"You havin' more contractions?" Will asked, sitting down at the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," JJ managed to say despite her wavering voice. By now, she wasn't even trying to hold back tears when they came. If she needed to cry, so be it. She would cry.

Kicking the covers away, JJ froze when she felt wetness on the sheets. Looking down, she realised the bleeding had picked up again. She had bled through the sanitary napkin she'd worn to bed, her underwear and her sweatpants.

Tears burned her eyes as Will took her hands and helped her to her feet. She focused on Will's assurances that it was ok, he would clean it up, anything to take her mind off the pain that was quickly taking over her body again.

"I want to get in the bath," she said softly as they reached the bathroom door. "I'll feel more comfortable in the bath"

"Ok," Will replied, putting a strong arm around her waist to guide her into the bathroom.

Before they could move even one step, JJ felt a strong gush of fluid down her legs. Looking down, she expected to see dark red blood, but instead found that her sweat pants were simply soaking wet.

"My water just broke," she choked out, tears starting to fall once more.

Will's stomach was in knots, and he wanted nothing more than to break down in tears. But right now, he had to be calm, he had to be JJ's rock. She needed him.

He smoothly guided her into the bathroom, where she stripped off everything but her shirt and sat down on the toilet again while he ran her a bath. He spoke softly to her, giving her calm reassurances that it was ok, she could do this, and that they would eventually find a way to come to terms with what was happening. He knew JJ wasn't really listening, but he hoped his words were at least having some kind of impact.

Once the bath was ready, Will took JJ's hands and guided her over to the tub. He could tell she was a little numb; he didn't blame her. He felt the same way.

After removing her shirt, JJ carefully eased herself into the tub, letting the warm water relax her and soothe the pain from the contractions. Her back felt like it was on fire, and the contractions were significantly more painful than they had been the night before.

"You want me to stay?" Will asked.

JJ thought for a moment, before looking up at him and squeezing his hand. "Could I be alone for a while?"

Will nodded, pressing a loving kiss to the top of her head before leaving the room.

Closing her eyes, JJ sank lower into the water, resting her head against the rim of the tub. The water was already turning red, evident of the amount of blood her body was passing. The warmth of the water, however, was soothing and relaxing. The contractions were still painful, but the water was helping to dull the sharpness of the pain.

As she lay there in the quiet, she allowed her tears to fall for what felt like the hundredth time. She was tired of holding them back, tired of steeling herself against all emotion to retain the mask she'd put in place so many years ago.

All she wanted in this world was her family. Her perfect husband, and two perfect children. All she wanted was another baby to hold and love, another baby to teach the ways of the world, another baby to nurture into a beautiful person.

She was convinced that some higher power felt she didn't deserve it.

She sat in the water for ages, privately pouring her heart out through her tears, ignoring the pain it brought to her swollen eyes as her womb contracted repeatedly and painfully.

It had been nearly an hour when she felt the contractions heighten. She had run the warm water into the bath again, trying to maintain the temperature, but now the heat wasn't helping. The water itself was dark red, evident of the amount of blood she had passed.

"Will!" she yelled out, sensing that something was happening. She didn't know what, but the increased strength of the contractions was a sign if anything.

"What's the matter?" Will called as he came running into the room. He stopped when he saw the bathwater, his wet eyes widening.

"It's ok, Will," JJ reassured, seeing his expression. "Kerry said this was normal...but the contractions just got worse...I...I need you here"

Will's expression softened. Kneeling down beside the tub, he took JJ's hand in his, holding it tight and letting her squeeze every time the pain got too bad.

JJ could tell that he had also spent his time alone crying. It stirred a quiet sense of pride in her husband. He wasn't afraid to show his emotion, but he was strong enough to be there for both of them as well.

After five more minutes of intense contractions, JJ felt something easily slide from between her legs. She immediately started to cry as she realised what it was.

Letting go of Will's hand, she reached into the water, gently lifting their tiny baby up against her chest.

"Oh cher," Will breathed, his tears falling as he took in the sight of the little baby, so tiny that it fit snugly in JJ's hand. The features had only just started to develop, but it was developed enough to see a tiny nose and pair of eyes. Miniscule hands and spindly little legs completed the tiny little figure.

Will was crying as he reached out and gently ran the tip of his finger over their baby's head. JJ had it curled up against her chest, her tears tracking down her cheeks as she held onto her precious little bundle.

"Perfect," he breathed, lifting his other hand to softly wipe away JJ's tears with his thumb. "Just perfect"

They had some time holding their little bundle, crying over the life that would never be lived. When JJ couldn't handle it anymore, she passed the baby over to Will, who cuddled it close to his chest while whispering sweet words to his son or daughter.

As the contractions began again, JJ decided she wanted to rinse off. While Will left to find something to wrap the baby in, JJ pulled herself out of the tub. She was in awe of the deep red that the water had become, amazed at what her body was capable of.

Leaving the tub to drain, she moved into the shower stall, standing under the stream once she had it at the right temperature.

While she was devastated they had lost their child, she was extremely grateful that she had had the chance to hold her baby, to cuddle their little one and see him before he was truly gone from the world. She already felt as though it was helping her to find closure. She didn't feel as emotionally wounded as she had the previous night. She knew it would take time for her to fully come to terms with it. But at least for now, she had had that moment with her precious little one.

She would treasure those precious few minutes forever.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This one is just a tad less sad. Still sad.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Another day and the worst had passed. JJ had passed most of the placenta and tissue, and the heavy bleeding had slowed substantially.

However, once that day had passed, JJ had felt like death. Her body lacked energy to even get out of bed. She was shaky, tired, and sore, almost like she had a bad case of the flu. She had eloquently told Will that she felt like a rotting corpse, prompting Will to ask her how she knew what a rotting corpse felt like.

It had made them both laugh, despite what they had just been through.

Will had seen that the next few days had been hard for JJ. They'd been hard for him too, but he knew it was harder on JJ. After all, he hadn't had to practically give birth to his dead child. It was an experience he knew JJ was going to carry forever, and one from which he wished he could take away the pain.

Nearly a week after the worst had passed, JJ and Will had buried their baby beneath the oak tree in the backyard, wrapped in a muslin cloth and placed inside an ornate wooden box that had once belonged to Will's mother. Henry had joined them, although he didn't quite understand exactly how he didn't have a sibling, yet they were still burying something. Despite not knowing, he had told his younger sibling that he loved him and that he would have let him play with his toys, which had reduced JJ to a mess of tears once again.

That night, JJ had been particularly vulnerable. While watching a movie with her boys, she had snuggled with Henry, just needing the reassurance that her boy was healthy and alive, that she was still a mother that had done a somewhat decent job. Henry was usually very fidgety during movies, but that night, he had sensed that his mom needed cuddles, and had happily obliged to snuggle up with her.

JJ had broken the news to the team a few days later, making a trip to the BAU with both Will and Henry. She had clutched Will's hand like a lifeline the entire time they had been there. The team had all offered their condolences, filled with sincerity and sympathy. JJ had been brought to tears by Rossi, who had wrapped his arms around her and held her in a long hug while telling her that while it felt cruel and unfair at first, in time it would get better. Things would make sense, and life would be able to go on.

It was going to be a long road for both JJ and Will. The blessing for them was they at least felt at peace with what had happened, due to the fact that they had been able to hold their baby as he simultaneously entered and left the world.

* * *

Kissing Henry's forehead as he snuggled beneath his blankets, JJ let her hand linger on his soft skin for just a while longer, her eyes never straying from his sleeping face.

"I love you baby boy. To the end of the earth and back again," she whispered, tucking his covers around him before reluctantly rising and leaving the room.

She was still bleeding. It was nothing compared to what she'd been through just over a week earlier. But she was getting sick of looking at blood. As long as she bled, it was a reminder of what they had lost.

Walking quietly through the silent house, she headed for the back door. She intended to sit beneath the stars, to just think and reflect, something she'd started to do almost every night. She always felt a lot calmer afterwards.

Pushing open the back door, she was surprised to find Will sitting on the back step, looking out into the darkened garden. When he heard the door open, he turned around, smiling at his wife as she approached him.

"Henry go down ok?" he asked as she sat down beside him.

"Yeah," JJ replied, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. "How come you're out here?"

Will shrugged. "Needed some air. Clear my head, collect my thoughts...I can't believe everythin' that's happened," he said softly.

There was a moment of silence before JJ said the two words she had been dying to say since she'd made that awful phone call to Will.

"I'm sorry"

Her voice was barely more than a whisper, but it made Will's stomach drop. He had been waiting for her to start blaming herself ever since she had called him that day. They'd made it this far, and he'd almost been lulled into a false sense of security.

"JJ," he breathed. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault"

"I'm the mother. I'm supposed to be able to protect my child and carry them to term. Twice now, I haven't been able to do that," JJ snapped. "I failed," she added, her voice cracking as her eyes welled up with tears.

"The first time was different and you know that. Yes you were in the field, but you didn't exactly have another choice. And had Hastings and Askari not set up an ambush, you would've carried that baby to term," Will reasoned, reaching over and taking JJ's hand. "This time...it just happened. For whatever reason, our baby wasn't viable in this world, and that is _not_ something I will ever blame you for"

When JJ let out a quiet sob, Will had tears of his own pooling in his eyes.

"Come here cher," he whispered, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to him, kissing the top of her head as they both began to cry together for what they had so tragically lost.

"I love you," JJ managed to choke out between her tears.

Burying his face in the lengths of JJ's golden hair, Will squeezed his eyes shut.

"I love you too cher. I promise nothin' will ever change that"


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: A short one, but a good one.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Days turned into weeks, which in turn turned into months.

It never got easier. But they learned to deal with it. There was much more to all their lives than sitting around feeling sorry and sad all the time.

Will and JJ had learned to lean on each other even more so than they had done in the past. They had cried together and mourned the loss of yet another child. They had named their child under the strong presumption it had been a little boy. Michael Ross LaMontagne; honouring JJ's father and older sister, with the hope in their hearts that JJ's family members who had left them would take care of their angel.

Life came back to them. Will took two weeks off after the loss of Michael, and had then slowly gone back into his daily routine at the precinct. JJ had followed not long after, taking a further two weeks to wrap her head around everything and come to terms with her grief. She returned to the BAU in a minor capacity; paperwork and consultation. She knew she'd be pushing it to try and convince everyone she was field ready.

However, despite his grief, Will couldn't help but think of how much he wanted another child whenever he looked at Henry. He had been an only child and he knew how lonely it could be, especially when you had a parent in law enforcement...let alone two!

But he knew it was far too early to raise that topic with JJ. Hell, if he ever dared to raise it again, he'd give himself a medal.

* * *

Will was sitting at the kitchen table, flicking through the newspaper while drinking his morning coffee. It was so easy to go back to their old routine...but so goddamn hard at the same time. And Will hated that.

Sighing heavily as he turned over to the sport section, he heard JJ enter the room behind him.

"I know you want more kids"

Her voice was soft, only loud enough for Will to hear, but it startled him nonetheless. He quickly set the paper and his coffee down, turning to meet JJ's eyes.

"JJ...it's barely been three months," he reminded her softly.

"I know...but I can see it in your eyes, especially when you're with Henry," JJ replied, slowly moving to sit beside her husband. "And it kills me. Because what kind of wife am I if I can't even give you the children you so badly want?"

Will felt his eyes burn with tears. He knew JJ was carrying guilt heavier than he could comprehend, and that even with all the reassurance he gave her, it was eating away at her.

"JJ, whether we had twenty children or just Henry, I would never think any less of you. You have brought me so much happiness and joy in the last eight years. You gave me the most incredible little boy, and you have made me feel love I didn't think I was capable of feeling. I will _never_ hold the loss of these angels against you Jennifer Jareau, because if I did, I would be throwing away the most amazing thing I've ever had," he choked out, gripping JJ's hands tightly.

JJ fought back a sob as she moved into Will's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder.

"We can talk about more kids someday if that's what you want to do," Will murmured, rubbing her back in gentle circles. "But today is not that day. You need to heal. We both do"

"I'm here for you," JJ whispered, lifting her face to meet Will's eyes.

Kissing her cheek, Will smiled.

"And I'm here for you"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: The final chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_18 months later..._

The joy in the room was overwhelming as a strong lusty cry broke the tension that hung in the air.

Tears fell freely down JJ and Will's faces as the cry of their little one met their ears.

The last nine months of their lives had potentially been the most difficult.

They had taken the time after the loss of Michael to grieve and heal. It had been nearly five months before JJ was ready to be intimate once more. She had been so afraid of a surprise pregnancy, so afraid of that potential to experience the same grief once more that she had stalled for months on getting close to Will.

When they had finally managed to have that intimacy in their lives once more, it had ended with tears on JJ's part, but it didn't matter. They had jumped one hurdle. Together, they would jump the next.

Upon discovering almost exactly nine months after losing Michael that JJ was pregnant once more, Will could only describe what came next as total chaos.

JJ had descended into a state that Will compared to madness. Crying at the drop of a hat (whether it was hormones or anxiety, Will would never be sure), constantly worrying, counting down the days to the next scan...and the list went on. She had been so terrified of losing yet another child that if she felt as though even the slightest thing wasn't right, it would trigger an anxiety attack. The stress had been so bad that Will had been forced to take her to the hospital to make sure the baby was ok; he knew stress wasn't good for an unborn child. He had counted his lucky stars when the doctor informed them everything was ok, _and_ had prescribed JJ something to help her relax.

Thankfully, things had calmed down by the time JJ passed 24 weeks. She was able to calm herself with the knowledge that if she went into labour before her due date, the baby would have a greater chance to survive. She had still been on edge, but as long as she was calmer than the first few months, Will had been able to handle it. Things had finally felt normal; JJ was excitedly preparing for the baby's arrival, acting as supervisor while Will built the furniture for the nursery, and mulling over baby names in her spare time.

Finally, their lives had felt more together.

"You've got a beautiful baby girl!" the midwife announced, holding up their baby so they could see.

Trying hard to keep himself together, Will moved down to the end of the gurney when one of the other midwives beckoned him over. Taking the scissors offered, he carefully cut the umbilical cord, separating his wife and his precious baby girl.

The staff were quick about getting their little one cleaned up and checked over, sensing that there was a little more urgency within the parents to have their baby safe in their arms.

When they finally placed her onto JJ's chest, JJ felt like she was letting out a breath she'd been holding for nine months. The infant's big eyes stared up at her mom, her cries settled now that she recognised her mother's heartbeat.

"Haven," JJ breathed, one hand on their baby's back, the other still holding tightly to Will's hand.

Will nodded, pressing a kiss to JJ's temple before placing his other hand over JJ's on the infant's back.

"Haven is perfect," he breathed, letting go of JJ's hand so he could wrap his arm around her and hold her close, unafraid to let his tears fall as they stared in wonder at their beautiful little miracle.

Their little safe haven.


End file.
